The Beauty And The Beast But Its Asoiaf

The Beauty and the Beast but it’s Asoiaf

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At what moment do you consider Sandor fell in love with Sansa? (or care for romantically, if you don't think he fell in love). Do you think he realizes he feels something other than lust for her or is he still oblivious to his feelings? I thought about this a few days ago and its been bothering me for some time...

Yes, he knows it’s more than just lust, but it’s complicated.  Let me start with the physical attraction part.  I don’t think there is any evidence before their encounter on the serpentine steps that Sandor is physically attracted to Sansa.  That’s the moment that he blurts out in his drunken, uninhibited state that he’s just noticed she has a more womanly figure; however, he quickly reminds himself that no, she’s still a little bird no matter what she looks like.  Before that, he’s only ever treated her like the kid she is, whether he’s arguing with her or trying to protect her.  For a man with as many issues as Sandor has, physical attraction is the easiest feeling to understand and identify.  That doesn’t make it something he’s comfortable with.  He definitely feels guilt and embarrassment over it, and even tries to suppress it.  The milk is already spilled though.  His physical attraction is now enmeshed with his desire to maintain intimacy and to protect her.  Caring for a kindred spirit now becomes more amorous, which can be the natural progression of things when two people have chemistry.  Something flips a switch, and they suddenly look different than they did before.  

Sandor isn’t oblivious to his feelings.  What he has are a lot of emotions that are muddled together and in direct conflict with one another, causing him great consternation; furthermore, his prior experience with love of any kind is scant to none.  He was betrayed by his father at a young age and lived under constant terror from his brother.  His only other example of familial “love” is the Lannisters. :P  He’s been conditioned to think of himself as a dog that should only be content with what his masters see fit to give him.  He has a major facial disfigurement that elicits disgust and fear within a prejudiced society.  He’s abrasive and emotionally immature, which alienates him more from others.  He’s never been treated like a human being with feelings until Sansa, at least as far as we can see.  Just having one genuine human connection with someone that took his side and didn’t betray his secret is enough to make this the most important relationship in Sandor’s life, and despite everything against that, he wants to keep it going.    

But what is this relationship?  Both have trouble putting a name to this thing between them.  Sansa is too young, still going about her maturation at her own pace, and not close to being ready to make room romantically for someone like Sandor.  For Sandor’s part, there’s added struggles.  There’s the issue of class disparity.  She outranks him by a country mile, and she’s the betrothed of the king, something that I think overshadows them in their society more than the age issue.  Even though there are a mutual interest and secret allyship, they would not call this a friendship.  Even the chaste intimacy they have is already crossing boundaries of familiarity.  They’re always dancing around it by calling each other anything but their first names.  This is simply not a thing that is done, but in each other, they find the needed space to air what they really think and feel.  He’s also caught between her and being Lannister servant, the consequences of which will tear him apart.  

On an interpersonal level, she frustrates him with her continued insistence on the ideals of the songs being worth sticking to no matter how sideways the world goes.  Her demonstrating that idealism in practice forces him to examine his own worldview and inspires gradual changes in him, but also makes him want to double down on his cynicism and prove her wrong.  Then there’s also anger at himself for caring about another person at all.  Anger at her for making him feel all these strange and complicated things.  Anger and self-loathing for that part of him that wants more from her.  Anger and self-loathing for not being a better man and protector for her due to his PTSD, his alcohol abuse, his fear and weaknesses, and his inability to express himself in a healthy way.    

From a reader’s perspective, Sandor demonstrates the building blocks of romantic love before he can even understand what is driving his actions.  He definitely possesses qualities like passion, fidelity, commitment, and a willingness to be vulnerable with her (albeit grudgingly).  The relationship is meaningful enough for him to be willing to make sacrifices and take risks for her.  He’ll lie to his masters and put himself in harm’s way to protect her.  I think that it is fair to say that Sandor is definitely in love with Sansa by the time of the Blackwater if we’re strictly going by those signs; however, offering to protect her and kill anyone that tries to hurt her is as close as Sandor can come to articulating what his feelings are.  He misguidedly expresses what he would do for her in violent and negative terms:  lying, dying, and killing.  It’s the language he is accustomed to and understands best at that point.  His emotional immaturity and neediness also have him sometimes being too harsh, impatient, judgemental, and demanding.  So, is it really love if Sandor himself doesn’t have good tools for processing his feelings, realizing them as love, and expressing himself in more positive and agreeable ways?  Well, that’s up to you.  I would say it’s definitely not a healthy love, one that is conducive to a romance that would be good for both of them, not until he’s able to do those things.      

Let me get back to the moment that he not only learned Sansa was wed to Tyrion but also that she fled and disappeared.  His whole Riverlands journey was centered around his mistake at the Blackwater and him finding a means of getting back in good standing with Sansa.  Arya was supposed to be his golden ticket for that until his options started dwindling down.  

“Not for long,” said Polliver. “He’s under siege. Old Frey’s going to hang Edmure Tully unless he yields the castle. The only real fighting’s around Raventree. Blackwoods and Brackens. The Brackens are ours now.”

The Hound poured a cup of wine for Arya and another for himself, and drank it down while staring at the hearthfire. “The little bird flew away, did she? Well, bloody good for her. She shit on the Imp’s head and flew off.”

“They’ll find her,” said Polliver. “If it takes half the gold in Casterly Rock.”

“A pretty girl, I hear,” said the Tickler. “Honey sweet.” He smacked his lips and smiled.

“And courteous,“ the Hound agreed. “A proper little lady. Not like her bloody sister.”        

He can’t even focus on what Polliver and the Tickler are saying.  He’s brooding over another cup of wine and gazing into the fire.  While he’s happy she finally escaped, she’s gone, and he’s lost hope of seeing her again.  The Sansa-shaped hole in his life has caused him to admire qualities about her that once annoyed him to no end.  It’s at his death scene that he expresses how personally responsible he feels for botching his own rescue attempt and abandoning her to (in his eyes) a more horrific fate.  The feeling that their separation is now permanent and that he is powerless to do anything about it obliterates the last of Sandor’s pretense and denial.  He’s honestly facing how his ego, anger, fear, selfishness, and violence had a destructive effect on the relationship he valued most in the world.  It put the person he loved in harm’s way.  Sandor can now truly understand what love isn’t and how it all went wrong.  It’s the first step.  

So I don’t think George was content to let it lie at Sandor simply demonstrating the components of love for the reader’s benefit.  It was important enough that the character was put through a crucible in the Riverlands to further process those feelings.  And since the Elder Brother is keenly aware of who the auburn-haired maid of three-and-ten is, Sansa was definitely a hot topic of conversation.  Maybe (and I think it’s highly likely personally) we’ll next see a rehabilitated Sandor that is better equipped to understand and articulate his emotions, to express himself in healthier, more mature ways, and to express love through selfless and kinder actions.                                                                  

“I could keep you safe. They’re all afraid of me. No one would hurt you again, or I’d kill them.” - Sansa Stark, ACoK