Three Times The Batfamily Has Been Disgusted By Your Love Life...

Three Times the Batfamily has been disgusted by your love life...

Dating is hard... but dating in Gotham... Oh Brother... Here are all the times the Batfamily has been involved in your love life.

1st time: Valentines Day

I've really gotta stop going for nerdy guys. This never ends the way I want it to.

"You know Eddie. You could have bought me dinner..." I call out to the rambling rogue behind me, "Scratch that... I can list off a hundred different date ideas.... That DO NOT INVOLVE THE BATMAN."

From behind, there is a swift crack followed by a muffled cry.

"I like flowers... I'm sure there was a way you could incorporate a riddle with those."

Footsteps draw nearer.

"I honestly don't even think you are trying. What does a child make, but never see? Come on dude... Work on on yourself. Restraints are fun, but this is ridiculous."

Suddenly, my restraints loosen. Stumbling to my feet, I swiftly turn around to see Batman's foreboding gaze staring down at me while my boyfriend lies face down 3 feet away.

"Are you alright?" Batman questions carefully noting my lacy heart pj's on top my push up bra. My diamond question mark necklace glitters in the darkness.

"Uh... yeah... Guess I should probably find an apartment where the Riddler doesn't live next door."

Batman sighs before patting me on the back. I am weirdly comforted by the paternal look in his eyes.

"That would be for the best."

2nd time:

Nightwing raises a pointed eyebrow before covering Robin’s eyes. Robin smacks his gloved hand away.

“Come on…. Y/N…” Nightwing trails off.

I interrupt him before this can get anymore humiliating. Being left to be eaten by a man sized Venus Flytrap after a date is not how I imagined my night to go.

“I do not need a life lesson; I have work tomorrow.”

Robin dutifully unties my restraints. He carefully looks anywhere else except my green lingerie.

Nightwing clears his throat. Rummaging through fallen leaves, he asks

“Do you know where she might have left your clothes?”

I shake my head before I start searching the drawers to the left of the nightstand. My sweaty palms create some difficulty turning the knobs.

“You know…” Nightwing continues leaning against the wall, “If you ever wanted to go on a date with someone who wasn’t going to be sent to Arkham… I’ve got this brother.”

My heart starts pounding. This is not happening. Robin’s jaw drops in disbelief.

“Are you seriously trying to set up Red Hood right now?” He gasps incredulously.

Both vigilantes listen to something being said into their ear pieces.

“Well, Jaybird. She’s prettier than anyone you’ve been talking to lately.”

My mouth gasps silently like a fish. Robin finally looks me up and down. He nods before agreeing. This child did not just....

Trying to ignore the hot waves of embarrassment, I finally force words to come out.

“GET OUT! I’ll find them myself!”

3rd time:

“Okay… but this time was not my fault.” I explain raising my hands in surrender. “How was I supposed to know that Two Face’s favorite song would be ‘22’? I have to make a living somehow!”

Batgirl tries to keep a straight face, but when she glances back at Red Robin… they both burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry….” She says trying to be professional, “This isn’t funny.”

“Uh huh…” I respond narrowing my eyes at them.

Realizing my mortification, their laughter slowly dies down. The teenage vigilantes grow as serious as possible.

“So, Two Face took you captive after you dedicated 22 by Taylor Swift to him?” Robin questions analyzing the crime boss’s office.

“Yes, I work at the iceberg lounge as a singer.”

“Where you ever an associate of Harvey Dent before his accident?”

My face goes red. This is not how I wanted today to go. I hate adding fuel to their fire.

“Something like that. I made some mistakes early in college.”

Batgirl bites her quivering lip to avoid laughing before composing herself. She checks her clip board left by Gordon.

“We’ll make sure GCPD gets back your… 2 themed underwear that went missing?”

I fantasize about those birds that slam their head underground to avoid conflict.

“I just want my computer. He can… keep the rest. I’m sure he’d like wearing it more than me.” I awkwardly trail off wrapping the robe tighter around my body.

Red Robin nods before muttering something into his ear piece.

“Okay, we’ll be on the search for that. I’m sure Red Hood can drop it off when he raids the lair tonight."

I start laughing before taking a step back. Putting my hands up, I interrupt.

“I can pick it up at Gordon’s office tomorrow. There’s… no need for… any of that.”

The two teens share a glance.

“Are you sure?” Batgirl inquires with a knowing smile in my direction.

I raise an eyebrow.

“Leave me out of this. I do not need to end up dead in crime alley because you guys thought it would be a good idea to set me up with your brother.”

Laughter can be heard in their comms. I vaguely make out “She’s got a point” in Nightwing’s voice.

With a reluctant grin, Batgirl shrugs. Before the vigilante duo leave, Red Robin flashes me an ornery grin.

“See you later.”

I respectfully flip them both off. Laughter echoes down the hallway as they leave.

Gotham is an environmental NIGHTMARE⚠️

This may be a really niche topic, but my degree is currently in Environmental science, so this is on my mind constantly.

Think about it:

The Joker is constantly messing with the air quality with his "laughing gas".

Poison Ivy's pheromones are definitely going to end up in the water supply.

Killer Croc lives in the sewers? Imagine having to deal with a sewer emergency and your boss goes "Dammit Waylon. Again?"

He's not even the only person who lives in the sewers canonically.

Bruce Wayne is constantly flying private. Don't even get me started on Batman and the Justice Leagues carbon emissions...

The Joker is constantly crashing planes/ cars into Gotham Harbor. You know that water is polluted beyond repair. Imagine having Aquaman step in because all the fish are in Gotham are dying...

Not to mention, Batman's rogues are constantly poisoning that water supply.

The Rogues' are also poisoning themselves by working out of old abandoned buildings that are riddled with asbestos....

On the topic of my girl Poison Ivy...

Can you imagine having this woman in class? Freshman year she teaches the hardest intro level botany course offered. You spend every week going to her office hours hoping to pass her class, then a decade later she is bullying you for not remembering the exact equation for photosynthesis while you clean up the mess SHE MADE. The drama.

Might write a fan fic about this in the next couple months. Comment if you would be interested!

Edit: I started writing a fic similar to this called The Intern if y’all are interested! Check it out!

Gamedays in Gotham City

Gotham City would absolutely go WILD during Gamedays. Harley Quinn, Jonathan Crane, Poison Ivy, Bruce Wayne, and Harvey Dent are all notable alumni of the school.

The Gotham Nighthawks vs the Metropolis Bulldogs homecoming game is the EVENT OF THE SEASON. Every year, the sold-out stadium erupts in chaos no matter who wins. There is nothing that can get a group of villains to team up faster than Gotham losing to Metropolis.

Bruce Wayne is a massive supporter of the Nighthawks. The stadium reserves a special pressbox for him and his guests. Every homecoming, Bruce Wayne invites Clark Kent, a Daily Planet Reporter, to join him and his family in the press box. Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor donate to their respective college bands, so they have a free advertisement in said halftime show. For one night, both Harvey and Two-Face enjoy themselves.

Due to the massive popularity of this game, many villains have tried to interrupt it. For example, the Joker tried interrupting halftime while the Pride of Gotham City performed. However, he completely underestimated how the band members would react to his sudden appearance. Before the Clown Prince of Crime could react, the poor thing was getting beaten into the turf by an array of wooden rifles.

Edward Nygma tried interrupting halftime a few years prior by requiring the band to answer a riddle in exchange for the bombs being deactivated in their equipment. In a surprising twist, Oswald Copplepot knocked the living daylights out of the curious man with his umbrella while his son, a trumpet in the Pride, cheered thirty feet away.

If you are a student at Gotham U, be prepared for unexpected visits from previous Professors such as Dr. Crane and Dr. Isley. If you are a band member, don't be surprised if someone puts a bomb on your instrument. It is not uncommon for Superman to catch a rogue Colorguard flag or rifle that has been tampered with. One second, you are throwing 6 rotations on a rifle. The next, you are covering your head to avoid the explosion. Supes gives a bashful grin before quickly exiting the stadium.

Would y'all be interested in a fic about Gamedays and college life in Gotham city? Let me know ;)

Tag list: @jjsmeowthie, nosyrobin, luna-zendra-star,

Batfamily as my favorite seasonally depressed Taylor Swift songs 🥶❄️

Bruce: Peace (Folklore)

Selina: Cowboy Like Me (Evermore)

Jason: My tears ricochet (Folklore)

Damien: No body no crime (Evermore)

Cassandra: Mad Woman (Folklore)

Dick: Gold Rush (Evermore)

Tim: This is me trying (Folklore)

Alfred: it’s time to go (Evermore)

Barbara: The last great American dynasty (Folklore)

Bonus:

Clark: Dorothea (Evermore)

Diana: The 1 (Folklore)

The Intern (Day one)

Working for the Gotham department of environmental protection is not for the weak of heart. Follow along for a day in the life of Gotham’s newest environmental intern.

What did he say in the interview? “We typically don’t take interns.” With each slippery stride through god knows what, I think I understand why. Who’s takes the intern on a tour of the sewer on their first day?

I don’t complain though; Dr. Harrison is not kind to complainers. If you can ignore the horrendous smell and the suits ability to become a sauna within a couple steps, it is really just like any other job. My boss calls over his shoulder.

“You brought that pepper spray right?”

I pause for a moment to adjust my suit.

“Yes sir.”

Why would they create a hazardous waste suit with such narrow eye holes? Fumbling with my mask, I stumble straight into a surprisingly solid member of my group.

“I’m sorry…” I apologize backing away.

Pulling my arms out of the external sleeves, I manage to wipe out the fogged up interior goggles. Once my field of vision clears, my heart drops.

The scales draw my attention first. In the dark, they shimmer and shine against the waste water. I’ve never seen anything like it. The hulking figure peers down at me with eyes that glow yellow in the dark.

When I was a kid, I used to love Animal planet. It didn’t matter how cruel the animal kingdom was; I was enthralled learning about it. Crocodiles have the strongest jaws in the animal kingdom. They can cut through bone… easily.

Trying to ignore the vivid image of a crocodile crushing a pigs skull on network television, I smile awkwardly underneath all my layers. He has a skin condition; this is a human man.

“I didn’t see you there. Thank you for steadying me.”

The prehistoric looking man regards me with curiosity. He is human…A human with razor sharp claws that have allegedly skewered other humans for dinner…Nobody’s perfect?

Before I can contemplate what my skull would sound like getting snapped in half, Dr. Harrison interrupts the silence.

“Waylon, meet our newest intern. You two will be running into each other quite a bit this summer.”

Hesitantly, I reach out my trembling hand.

“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Jones. I hope to see you around.”

The reptilian eyes regard me with suspicion. In a swift motion, Killer Croc’s scaled hand envelops mine in a slightly painful shake.

“The last one said the same thing before I had to pick them out of my teeth.”

Oh god. A loud burst of nervous laughter explodes from my chest.

“I’m afraid that won’t be necessary. I carry floss on me.”

Both men flash incredulous glances my way.

This is going to be a long summer.

Part 2

Hot girl songs that the Batfamily would unironically listen to (Headcanon)

Dick: Obsessed by Mariah Carey

Jason: Born to Die by Lana del Ray

Tim: Seventeen by Marina and the Diamonds

Damien: Misery Business by Paramore

Stephanie: Get Him Back by Olivia Rodrigo

Barbara: Piece of me by Britney Spears

Bruce: Only Happy when it Rains by Garbage

Catwoman: Breakfast by Dove Cameron

Alfred: The Bitch is Back by Elton John

Bonus:

Clark: Blank Space by Taylor Swift